To Move Past Your Fears, You Must Feel and Face Your Fears…..
Try moving through them with ‘Embodied Awareness’.
We all have fears….some small and some that totally take over our body in one way or another. It could be in a form of a rush of anxiety, tightness in our throat, a seriously stiff sore back, self doubt that stops you from taking action in life, pain in your heart from fear of letting go of sadness, or it could just be simply a fear of behaving as your true authentic self that is against what others would agree is right in todays society. So you put on a mask and play a role that is just not you……creating frustration, resentment and anger within your body system, which then can cause ill health.
What’s your fear Tami?, you ask.
My fear I faced at the workshop is this…..
After losing my own mother to suicide after a life of bi polar in her mind and body creating chaos in hers and her family’s life, I became very sensitive. So sensitive to others’ needs to be sure they are OK, that I would forget about my own needs in the meantime. I still do this to this very day….helping so many who come to me for guidance and advice for their health needs and I do this for nothing in return…….too often, taking me away from actually working on things that could be bringing back something to myself and my family, and our needs.
I do it with love and deep care. It is my strongest trait that works for others but not so much for myself…other than the big fact that I love knowing people are OK.
During my ‘free’ work and ‘paid’ coaching work, I become attached to my clients and their outcome. During the Embodied Awareness workshop I came to realise just how much I really DO care for others and how it leads me to this attachment.
I care so much that I found I was having anxiety over not having internet reception whilst at the workshop because it meant I had no idea how my clients were for those 2 days…….
Were they ok? Were they still fasting? Do they need me right now? The worry was making me feel restricted and helpless…and kind of strange not being able to pick up my iPhone to check if they were all ok or not…..I felt lost but at the same time was enjoying this new sense of being….in a place that was just for me.
No messages rolling in from clients or others requiring questions answered or emotional support. Which is what I encourage my clients to do, so its what I want them to do! It was the first time in over year I did not have messages coming in……it was very strange!
The last time I experienced that type of silence on my email and phone messages was in July last year when I was in the outback Kimberleys region of Australia with no reception.
I was asked by Sue (one of the facilitators) to locate this anxiety it was smack bang in my heart and my throat. It was tight, really tight. I felt like I had a huge lump in my throat and my heart was in a cage.
I was guided by Sue through an incredible ‘inner body’ experience, where I became so connected to this anxiety and where it was residing that I was able to FEEL the depth of my fear…….
I came to realise that each person that comes into contact with me is on their own journey. I am a part of that journey and can do as much as I can to help them but the outcome of their journey is entirely up to them in the end.
I cannot take responsibility for others lives and health and I also cannot judge my own self on how they may behave towards me or towards themselves whilst in their journey.
Why do I take on the responsibility?? It all started when I was as young as 4 years of age…….
Whilst growing up with a mother who had bi polar I was continuously faced with the challenges of not knowing ‘who’ she was for that day or even that moment in time. I would find her to be incredibly loving at times but within a few minutes that could change to an outrage of emotions that would leave me completely shocked, lost and scared. I would always question myself as a little girl and even as an adult when her behaviour was not kind toward me…….
What did I do to make her angry?
What did I say that changed our conversations to an argument?
Why does she not like me now?
What can I do to make her happy again?
Do I not deserve unconditional love?
How can I fix this?
How can I make her better?
Even though I had all of these feelings of care, love and yearnings to help my mother I was terrified of her at times, to go near her or just did not know if I could trust her. My question always was…..”Who is my mother today?”
At the Embodied Awareness workshop we learnt some things about being a child and how we are ‘downloaded’ upon by older generations, tv, radio, books and the list goes on. But our biggest influences in life are our parents or guardians……and of course school teachers!
Unfortunately one of the biggest dowlnoads I received was that it was my fault that my mother was in the mood she was in. I am not expressing this with any anger towards her as I have full understanding of how sick she really was now, I am just explaining my download I received for my future life.
During my download I learnt that if I tried really hard I could sometimes make her feel comfortable enough to be nice to me again and I could bring her back to a place of calm if I changed who I was, which meant she was OK and happy.
I have carried these questions and feelings with me from one relationship to another and even carried them into my work at times. It can be totally exhausting and downright self sabotaging, always keeping me at a ‘safe’ distance from people so I feel in control of my own space of energy but at the same time putting in just as much energy as I would have when I was a child feeling responsible for my mother illness and how she was handling it.
Before my mother took her own life on New Years 2009 she had turned her back on me, in one of her bi polar moods, not wanting to show me love…..a week later she died. This left an imprint so deep in my psyche of having the need to be accepted and loved by others….and do what ever it takes to get it.
I share all of this with you and take off my mask to show you my true authentic self with the risk that you may walk away……..but I do it to show you that I am just like you and have fears and things to work through too and I want you to hear how I have been able to work on this at the Embodied Awareness Workshop!
Well! This 2 day workshop was exactly what I needed right now as I have been reaching a place of self exhaustion. Giving so much out and not enough to myself…..also exhaustion with battles of wanting to move forward with my business and create a retreat of my own, which means working with people face to face, which then has brought up some of my fears of not knowing how to read people when they are in front of me!
In the workshop we worked with horses. We did not ride them, they did not even have saddles on their backs. They were roaming the property that was high in the hills of northern NSW surrounded by magnificent mountains and forests full of wildlife and soothing sounds of nature.
I was at peace just standing there looking and listening….
Sue and Veronica would ask us to do certain processes with horses that would create an energy between ourselves and the horse….guess what my energy with all of the horses was??
No trust and thinking I was to blame if the horse did not want to be near me. Arrrghhh!
It was not a one way street either…..if I didn’t trust the horse the horse did not trust me!
So this was a perfect place for me to learn how to harness my fear and anxiety and to let the horse FEEL that I was calm and I found the only way I got close to the horse was to LEAD WITH MY HEART and know I was trustworthy.
Due to horses being a highly perceptive species, they will react behaviourally to each client differently – due to each person’s individual non-verbal communication, energy, tension, relaxation, approach, feelings, thoughts and behaviours, as they manifest in the obvious and subtle physiological and physical response in the person.
Horses in their natural state of being wear no mask, put on no show and will not try to please you when they are in this type of environment. These are all qualities us humans can lack and then can find ourselves not really knowing who we are or where our behaviours are coming from!
It was truly refreshing to be around such authentic beings, to learn from them about how it is OK to show your true self, have your healthy boundaries with people if you feel their energy is not clean and to always trust your gut!
I worked with a few different horses and one was very calm for me to approach and this helped me learn trust in my own choices and to trust the actual behaviour of another. I was very quickly able to pat and even hug the horse…….this is like WOW to me, as the last time I felt like trusting a horse like that was back when I was 6 or 7 years old after seeing a horse bite my friend! Fear number one stepped through!
Another horse reminded me of my mother, for when I approached her she turned her back on me and instantly I felt I was rejected…..the immense needy energy I had rush through me as I tried and tried to get the horse to look at me and acknowledge me soon got so strong I had no choice but to see it for what it was!!!
In life today I feel the NEED for everyone to like me and want to know me!
So when I changed my energy toward the horse to NOT being needy and to being an equal being and having a right to be near it and feeling I deserved its attention……IT LET ME COME NEAR. I was soon patting and hugging the horse but with a few hiccups here and there as my energy would sway from trust and mistrust.
There were 2 more horses that I worked with and I will not tell you too much more about what happened as it will give away too much of the weekend, BUT I will tell you this……
I stepped through major emotional blocks at this workshop, blocks that have been keeping me tied down, exhausting me, lifetaking to me and I have come home a different woman.
A woman with more self trust in her own instincts
A woman with higher self love
A woman with a new way of caring for others but still on a deep level
A woman with healthy boundaries
A woman who now can walk up to horse and pat it and even hug it
A woman who feels more ready to move forward with my dreams
WITH NO FEAR.
So what is your fear? Who is your true authentic self? Do you feel like you want to come out but you are afraid of judgment? When was the last time you truly felt connected with yourself?
This is truly a workshop that has you leaving feeling Inner Connected with a stronger sense of self, leading you to a more comfortable place within yourself that will only help your health flow! Health is created through many ways. I hope you take the time to experience this as another stepping stone for better health!
If you are interested in the workshop you can look them up on Facebook…
Northern Rivers Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, is there page.
I may just see you there.
Much love to you
PS. There were a few other inner body experiences that happened on that weekend that were just mind blowing!
You will just have to go and experience it for yourself, but be ready to be YOU.